Relationships

Gosh it’s been so long since I posted that I feel I’m hijacking someone elses blog again. :)

I actually find it hard to write when I take these big gaps off blogging.  There’s been so many days when I’ve thought, “I might write something today”  before I knew it, the day was over and I had written nothing!

Okay where should i start writing from? Hmm, lets go back to Christmas time.

I had a great day with my family and my partner; actually, this year is the first Christmas my partner and I have spent together.  You see, he lives in one state and I live in another, so having Christmas together was really nice. He fly’s over to me quite a bit, and I fly with him when I can. He has a job that flies him all around the country and therefore he’s never really in one place for very long.

Can you believe it, he nearly didn’t make it for Christmas as he fell off a ladder only days away from Christmas day! I didn’t think he would come but knowing how disappointed I would be, he flew over. Now that’s pretty good considering he was in hospital over night and could barely walk.  His ribs were all bruised and he was really sore, he’s lucky nothing more serious happened to him.

Good news for me is that in the coming weeks he’s moving in with me, we have been together for 17 months now and we feel that we now want to commit to the next level. Oh BTW: I don’t mean marriage! I’m afraid marriage is not for me. Been there done that and I’m not ready to even think along those lines. I left my Ex for all sorts of reasons and one was not trusting him.

Anyway I’ll go back to a happier part of my life and that’s moving in with someone my own age and who I truly love.

I believe we now live in a modern society and I don’t think you need a certificate to prove you love someone. I was once really old fashioned and thought you should marry and you should take the husbands name. Well, not anymore. I have 2 friends that have married and kept their maiden names. I have always thought this was wrong and why bother getting married if you DON’T take their name?  But I now know I was wrong again! They love their husbands just as much as those that take their husbands names, so I suppose what’s the difference?

So many people chose to just live together these days that I don’t think it really matters. Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not Condoning the Sanctity of Marriage…Not at all! I just think times are changing and we don’t have to be so set in our ways.

People are more open now and not as judgmental…Which I think this is a good thing! Gosh in the old days you would have been shunned for such a thing. It was a pretty cold and cruel world, especially for woman.
All I can say is thank god for the 21st Century!

In saying that I believe we all need to take the path that best suits us and our own individual needs.  Because at the end of the day Loving someone and someone loving you is not as easy as it sounds, and especially finding someone you trust! So when and if you are lucky enough to find it again, I think you should hang onto it in any way you can.

So, how do you feel about about people living together, NOT marrying, or marrying and NOT taking their husbands names? Or worse, being with someone younger than your own children.  It will be interesting to see how you feel and be completely and utterly honest, I hold no grudges!! Well, So I say!! Lol

Much love to you and Happy Belated New Year to you all! 

Hugs Paula xxxx

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Merry Christmas, everyone!

Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle all the way!!

 

Not long now before the big man in the red suit to comes along and brings many  smiles across the world.

 

Sending loads of Aussie warmth to all of you having a white Christmas in the Northern Hemisphere! :)

 

Hope everything is well with you all, enjoy the times you spend this month with friends and family.
Hugs, Paula xx

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My Christmas Tree!

Hello our Blogging Family/Community. :)

 

I have been looking through some blogs and the beautiful pictures that have been portrayed, during this Festive Season.

And boy have they made me feel happy and excited about Christmas.

So with keeping up with the Christmas Spirit, here is my Christmas tree! I tried to get a photo of Sakura sitting in front of it and this was the best one she would give me! Hahaha

So, have you put your tree up yet?

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Sakura, just chilling. :)

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Much love to you all. Hugs Paula xxx

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Depression Exists

Thought I would touch base with the rest of the blogging community as I’ve kind of drifted away again.

When I say drift, I mean that life kind of threw the curve ball at me with my Step dad dying;  It’s now been nearly 3 weeks and I’m feeling a little better, as is my mum. He’s still very much in our hearts, but it makes you realize that life has to go on or else you would fall apart every day and then what good are you to anyone, or even yourself for that! You know when sometimes in life you make the wrong decisions, or you take the wrong turn in life and you regret the hell out of whatever bad choice or decision you have made? Well, I think from all the bad things in my life Ray was the one constant good thing that was a part of my life, so when that person goes; a part of you goes too.
At the funeral my eldest son came up to me and hugged me and said: “That would have been you if you had committed suicide and we would have been here for you.” I hugged him and cried more, because I knew he was right. Now when I’m feeling  a little low and I think life is too tiring, I think about what he said to me and let me tell you, it resonated with me!

Suicide is a selfish act, my psychiatrist always reminds me of this but sadly when a person gets to that point, they just don’t see it as that, they just want their pain to go away and apart from that, there’s not too much thought. From my point of view, it’s because you have already gone through all the if’s and but’s and there’s no real answer other than you’re unwell and all logic is out the door. It’s kind of like your pain or their pain, it’s a no-win situation. Who suffers more, you or them?
The problem is when someone is that far gone from reality you’re usually not their to save them, only they can do that and sadly more times than not, they lost the battle for life.

I suppose this is very depressing and an awful subject, but one that is sadly happening everyday somewhere around the world and for all different reasons.
Like you and me I suppose, if we knew someone was about to commit suicide and we could do something to help, we would! However in most cases it’s a silent killer and one that’s usually been thought about for some time and no matter how much we thought we could have stopped it, I don’t think we could.

So, what can we do in these situations?
Personally I think it’s to be more aware of those we love and whom we know are struggling with life in one shape or another and to just be there for them; not just want them to hurry and finish their story, but to really sit there and listen to what’s troubling them. It’s incredible how many people have no one to confide in.
Depression is a sad lonely place to be and it holds no race or prejudice, anyone can be seduced by it; I say seduced, as all our beliefs at that point can’t seem to help us, they have been pulled too far away from our reality and that’s when suicidal thoughts begin. Life feels hopeless and things just aren’t going to get better, but they can and will; Life is full of ups and downs and we have to learn to take the good with the bad, even when the bad is down right ugly and unforgivable.
I say believe in you, and all the great things you once stood for; remember the songs you once loved and singing them out loud in your car and all the memories they would bring? You didn’t care who was listening because they made you happy and bought back great memories, remember your favorite foods like your mum’s pasta or nanna’s cake she baked, and your favorite restaurant where they greeted you as if you were family? Or just the smell of certain foods that still trigger great memories. Gosh I still remember getting my first Choo-Choo bar!
It was made from aniseed and really hard to bite and my tongue and mouth would be black. Lol.  Even as a kid when my life was sad and awful in parts this still brings back great memories; What about your first car you bought and how happy you felt, even if it was a wreck you didn’t care because it meant you had freedom to go wherever we chose, right?  or your first girlfriend/boyfriend and the butterflies you got in your stomach when you saw them, your first pet or the pet you have now whom you love and adore. They fill us with unconditional love and we need them as much as they need us; these are the simple things in life that we forget and that can trigger happy memories. Life can be hard at times, and seem unfair but hold on and just try to get through this day and see what tomorrow brings. You’re not no one, you are someone special and many people love you and would be lost without you, stay strong and remember what greatness could be waiting around the corner for you, never give up on you!

So remember, that one act of kindness you give to a loved one, friend or colleague could mean everything to that person. It’s so easy to walk away from trouble than to actually take the time to listen to what someone in need has to say, even if they don’t tell you but you see something’s not right, ask, “are you okay?” That’s all it sometimes takes.

Think of this, We give money to charities to help the needy so why can’t we spare a bit of our time to those who are struggling and need guidance and help? They need it just as much as the charities, if not more!

Hugs to you all. Paula xx

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GoodBye

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I wrote a post earlier this year about my Step Father being diagnosed with Cancer.

He was so strong and determined to not let it beat him and he won the fight. His hair grew back and he could walk again without a walking stick because his balance had once again returned.

My mum and him went to the South of France for 5 weeks to get away and just relax after all the illness Ray had suffered earlier in the year. But on Thursday we lost this man, the man we all loved and admired so much.

My mum and step father only arrived back in Australia on Monday and by Tuesday he was taken by ambulance to hospital in excruciating pain. He had became unwell 2 weeks ago in Europe but was determined to stay and meet up with his family from the U.K.

So here was this man in excruciating pain and who could barely walk got on 3 planes to make it back to his home.

They did a scan on Tuesday which relieved the cancer had spread to his Lungs, Liver and Lymph Glands. He could barely breathe, it was terrible to see him in such pain and not be able to do anything.

So the Morphine gradually increased over 2 days and by the 3rd day (Thursday) his breathing slowed and he passed away peacefully. My mum is still in shock as they both believed it had gone. I like many of us would have loved to talk to him and ask how his holiday was and how he was feeling, but it wasn’t meant to be. Clearly he stayed strong till his feet hit the ground in Australia and he felt at ease being back home.  The room was full of tears and people that loved him very much. He came conscious to tell us all to be brave and that he loved us all and thanked us for being there. The room was full of love and sadness at the same time.

When I was sick earlier this year and suicidal he told me we would make a deal, if he can beat the cancer then I too can fight the darkness that was engulfing me. He said we can live for each other. I would see him and he would cry and then I would cry but for 2 different reasons. He was fighting to live and I was fighting to find the will to live. When he died last Thursday I cried so much that my mum came from the hospital with my sister and stayed with me. I think I would have been pulled back into a dark cloud had they not come, so I’m really grateful for that. I think Ray was watching over us all. So Ray, I will keep fighting my darkness for you. You were strong when I was weak and I didn’t get to do the same for you, but I love you with all my heart and will miss you everyday. I can’t help but cry as I write this because I want you back, but I know I can’t. I hope that wherever you are, you are at peace. Tomorrow will be my last chance to kiss you goodbye, but you will forever be in my heart.

I already miss you so much.  I love you. xxx

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Living with a black dog

Hi everyone!

My son’s girlfriend showed me this really helpful guide for people living with depression and people living with people who have depression.
It’s called: “Living with a black dog” and can be purchased here.

The site has other illustrated books that help control other mental illness such as Anxiety, they were written by a man who also suffers and as such they’re much more relatable.

In a collaboration with the World Health Organization, they’ve released a narrated video of the book.
I think everyone should check it out as it’s very insightful and helpful.

Hugs and kisses! :)
xoxo

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What have I been up to?

Heeelllooo!

 

I’ve taken some time away from blogging as I have been preoccupied with moving into my knew house.  Yay!!!

It’s nearly 2 years old and quite modern, I love it! It’s a breath of fresh air and is so white and clean!

Then, my son needed me to babysit his boys for a week, and boy is that tiring; they are 4 and 8 and even though they aren’t exactly babies, it’s still really tiring when you’re not used to it! I suppose with my sons being 22 and 30 my life isn’t really about them anymore and I’ve become probably selfish in what I want my free time to be. I would go to the moon and back for my sons but as they are now no longer at home, my time is spent around what I want to do. So, when little kids get thrown into that mix I’m not used to it! Lol
I’ve also been to Bali with 2 of my closest friends and had such a great time, a well needed rest!
We shopped, ate and drank, then we shopped, ate, and drank some more; this continued every single day we were there and I absolutely loved it!  Bali is incredibly relaxing and that’s what I am sure a lot of people go for, a weekend getaway in a tropical paradise.
We would go down to the beach in the afternoons and have a drink whilst our feet were buried in the sand, just watching the sun going down. Ahhhh, a slice of heaven! If only life was always that simple, right? :)

Bali from Western Australia is very cheap, believe it or not it’s cheaper than going to Sydney! If you haven’t been and ever get the chance, then take it. It’s one of those places where you can just walk the streets in your shorts and t-shirt and won’t look out of place. The only drawback is if you don’t enjoy bartering, because then the shopping will get a little on your nerves. You should NEVER let them know it’s your first time in Bali, Why? Because they will realise you don’t know what things really cost. To the Balinese these goods are worth mere cents due to the mass production of imitation brands from the Island’s factories or from Mainland China, but a lot of newcomers to Bali don’t understand this and will happily pay $20 for a T-shirt that would cost $30 back home, but most regulars will pay $5.  Most things like shirts/dresses/shorts/t-shirts cost roughly $5 and $10. Super cheap and beautiful sarongs for $3-$5.

This week I have my brothers 3 children as he’s going away with my sister in law on a conference, his children are 7, 12 and 15 and they’re so much easier to look after than small children!

Then in November when all my babysitting duties are all over, I start a massage course (Therapeutic) for 7 weeks full-time which I’m really looking forward to. I just have to remember all the muscles in the body and how to pronounce some of them! Hahaha. The course costs $5, 500 which is way more than I thought it would. The Remedial costs $10,500 so that’s why I opted for the therapeutic but with this certificate you can still work from home and that’s all that really mattered to me.

I decided I needed to find something that I would enjoy doing as much as I loved renovating homes for all those years. This way I’m also my own boss and can travel or do as much work as I do or don’t won’t to do! Having Bipolar is tricky and there is some days that life is just too hard to understand, and therefore you are pretty much no good to anyone until you can get back on track. Plus I love being around people and making them happy and I think massage can do that. I haven’t met many people they hated being massaged, now if you feel like that, then tell me and hopefully I can learn what NOT to do to someone! Any help or tips would be great. :) All feedback welcomed!

Actually even though I have BPD  (Borderline Personality Disorder) I don’t tick all the boxes relevant to BPD. Luckily for me I adore people and don’t self harm. So I think I’ve picked the right job for now.

I really miss blogging but I just couldn’t get my head around it with everything that’s been going on in my life.

I hope all of you are well and life is treating you kindly.

Hugs to you all,
Paula xxx


 

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