Depression Exists

Hey fellow bloggers, hope all is well with you all! :)

You probably have noticed that I’ve commented on some of your posts, but once again have neglected my own blog.

I did say I was ready to return to blogging and that I had most of my life all sorted, but the truth is I suppose it takes longer to fully recover than I realized, or at least wanted to accept!

To go through what I did was pretty horrific and to be honest I think I was being a little optimistic about my recovery. To return to everyday life seems easier than it really is, the fact that I had become suicidal and was put into hospital isn’t really that traumatic to me; now I know you’re all going: “WHAT THE”, right? :) I’ll explain, you see being Bipolar can come with many things the average person doesn’t have to cope or deal with, unfortunately some of us were just genetically dis-positioned right from the beginning.
For me, it’s not rare for my brain to think suicidal thoughts; the difference is knowing when or if you’re going to act on them. There are many people with Bipolar that deal with this, not just me and I truly feel for them. At times I can get confused with what exactly I’m thinking and at what level is the depth of that thinking, is my brain just obsessing and playing with the idea?
Can I reason with it, can I ignore it, or am I going to push the limit to see how far it will take me to the darkness?

My brain almost plays with the idea, it’s like a continuous questioning inside my brain and yet there isn’t any right or wrong answer, that’s the part that scares me. Damned if I do and damned if I don’t. Kind of like having schizophrenia, yet you don’t actually have schizophrenia. It’s like this constant chatter and questioning of yourself.

When I get really bad, my mind almost dares me to do it and once again all rational thinking is gone out the door! Life for me growing up was very traumatic and I had many bad things happen; although I am safe now and nobody can hurt me anymore, my brain when unwell, plays the bad events over and over. Some so much so, that I can’t cope and all I want to do is go to sleep… but I don’t ever want to wake up. I often wondered: is it today, or will it be tomorrow that I can no longer keep fighting the darkness.

My doctor has told me I’ve climbed mountains in my life and made it to the other side, that the past can no longer hurt me; I know he’s right, but at the time that is NOT what my brain tells me!
I suppose you could call me a working progress and believe me I can’t wait for the day when my past no longer controls my present!

I have a lot to live for, but when this happens to me I can’t see how to get there. This is why I’ve had shock treatment in the past, it works much more effectively and quicker than anti-depressants to stop the suicidal thoughts.

So what was so horrific about me going to hospital? It was the fact that I WAS about to act on those feelings and had lost all reasoning inside my brain and all I wanted to do was give up on life. Everything felt too hard when all I wanted was peace and happiness, but it wasn’t there because my past continues to plague me, the problem is; I don’t like to talk about what’s going on in my brain when this happens. For two reasons: One, I don’t won’t to worry anyone and Two, I struggle to let people in and I shut down.  If it wasn’t for my boyfriend insisting I went to my Psychiatrist, I wouldn’t even be here to write this. That’s how bad I was. Once again the past had taken control of my brain and I wasn’t able to stop it.

When I’m in remission: life is grand and everything has it’s place and I smile from morning till night, but when I become unwell, all logic flies out the door!  To me there’s nothing but obstacles and it’s at this point when I need all the love, help and understanding I can get! When this happens to me, I believe it’s not really me; it’s that little girl that gets lost inside my brain and she can only see the darkness which terrifies her, and she becomes frightened all over again. The past becomes the present, and the present seems like a distant dream.
She cries on the inside and smiles on the outside, because that’s how she survived the trauma; nobody could hear or see her pain and so she learnt to hide it. This pain went on for years before she finally got strong enough to say, no more! Yes, I am now a woman but I think there’s a part of me that’s broken and I must find peace for that girl inside or she will always be broken.

Life is definitely better than it was for me in March of this year and I’m thankful to everyone that has loved me so much to get me to this point, everyone deals with all kinds of hurtful things in their lives and I suppose we just have to work through one thing at a time. We have to forgive those that have hurt us so badly and somehow find an inner peace within ourselves. The past is the past and we have to look forward to the future or we will never really find true happiness.
Their poison will keep festering within our souls and bleed through our veins, so we must flush the poison out.

If you have dealt with trauma or know someone who has? I hug you and my heart truly feels for you. We have to try and move forward  to a bigger brighter more peaceful future.

Those that have hurt us have already robbed us of so much so lets not allow them take anymore, we all need to take back control of our own lives and destiny. A life where they no longer control us or our thoughts.

Remember, What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger! Believe in you and how strong you are to have made it to today, and every other day before that. You may not feel strong, but you are! You are reading this which tells me you are looking for ways to heal yourself and that’s how it starts, people say to forgive and forget; I say forgive, but never forget because we must remember to never allow anyone like that into our lives again. Trust is not given it’s earned, I wish you well in your quest for happiness and to heal yourself. May the universe or your god keep you safe and give you the life you truly deserve; One free of pain and suffering.

Right now I’m reading a book called:  8 Keys To Safe Trauma Recovery
By Babette Rothschild

My Dr recommended it to me. If you feel like reading a self help book on Trauma Recovery it’s not bad. 

Those that follow me regularly, please do not worry as I am healing and doing all the right things.

Exercise is the main one and believe me it works. Those happy endorphin’s are running through my blood. :)

I wish you peace love and happiness.

Hugs to you all, Paula xxxxx

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Երջանկության շքերթը աշխարհով մեկ | The worldwide parade of happiness

sakuraandme:

Morning from Oz, everyone! :)

I had to reblog this video clip from Arlen’s blog called, Happy!
I love this song sooooo much. So listen to it and groove along to the music. Happy Monday!! Hugs Paula xxxxx

Originally posted on Arlen Shahverdyan. Author's Blog:

Ֆարել Ուիլյամսի «Happy» երգը դարձել է աշխարհի ամենահայտնի երգերից մեկը: Անգամ 2014 թվականի ֆուտբոլի աշխարհի առաջնության խաղերի միջև ընդմիջումներն էին լցվում այս երգով: Երգը անցել է ամբողջ աշխարհով մեկ: Եվ այժմ առաջարկում եմ ձեզ լսել ու դիտել երգի տեսահոլովակները՝ նկարահանված Երևանում և Լեռնային Ղարաբաղի Հանրապետությունում:
© Առլեն Շահվերդյան, 05.07.2014 

Pharrell Williams’s song, called “Happy” has become one of the most famous songs in the world. Even breaks between matches at the FIFA World Cup in 2014, were being filled with this song. This song went through the entire planet. And now, I invite you to listen and watch the clips of this song shot in Yerevan (Armenia) and in the Republic of Nagorno-Karabakh.
© Arlen Shahverdyan, 05.07.2014

Фаррела Уилямса “Happy” стала одной из самых известных песен в мире. Даже перерывы между матчами, на чемпионате мира по футболу в 2014 году, заполнялись этой песней. Это песня прошлась по всей планете. И теперь…
©…

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Being happy with the real you.

It doesn’t matter where you start or come from, the end result is your choice.

Hello everyone, hope you’re all feeling good.

I was watching T.V the other night and they were interviewing this woman called, Chrissie Swan.

She first got her fame in 2003 on our Big Brother show where she was runner up; since then she has had fame from a T.V show called, The Circle and since then has moved into radio where she is DJ on 3AW in Melbourne with Jane Hall.
People doubted them and didn’t think they would make it, but they have done amazingly great for a 2 girl duo.

Now Chrissie is a very beautiful woman but has been cyber bullied on social media for being voluptuous.

Are we really that shallow that we would cyber bully someone for not being the size we think they should be? No, we should not!! We have no right to pick on someone for their lifestyle choices.

Larger sized people feel bad enough as it is, because somehow society has made them feel less beautiful than a small framed person. You love someone for what’s inside not what they look like, right? Of course if you know someone is overweight and they want your help to help them lose weight, you would. You would support them in anyway they needed, but that wouldn’t make you love them less, right? Because if it did, you never truly loved them at all!

For years we have all been made to feel inferior for one reason or another. So the last thing you need is someone judging you for your weight.

Do you know what? I was a size 8 and now I’m a size 10, I’m back on the treadmill so if I don’t lose weight I will atleast tone my figure. Now a size 10 is still not that big, yet to me it makes no difference. I always feel bad about myself; as a young teenager I was tiny and very fit, yet this meant nothing to me. I could always find something to pick on myself about. I know It’s wrong, really wrong, but this was my way of life. I swung from Anorexia to Bulimia! I think self-loathing I was queen at and I never saw what anyone else saw in me.
The more they told me I was beautiful or thin, the worse I got; It’s an illness and one not so easily dismissed. To this day I struggle with how I feel about the real me, meaning Paula, the one that hides behind her smile. :) To this day, mentally when I’m not 100% the first thing i pick on is my weight.
I’ve been this way for all my life, you see, having Bipolar you learn that life can be tricky and at times cruel to you; and sometimes for no real apparent reason, it just is!.. So when you see someone beautiful like Chrissie get cyber bullied because of her size, you can’t help but speak out.

She’s a working mum with 3 small children and it pains me to see what she’s endured. I’m going to throw it out to the universe as Chrissie will never read this but from me to you… I apologise for the ignorant people that cyber bullied you. You are beautiful.

To anyone out there that has issues with your weight: Firstly, I hug you and wish you well in whatever YOU choose to do about it. It’s your body, no one elses or anyones business! You are beautiful and this is what we have to keep telling ourselves!
Beauty is but skin deep, I’ve met some beautiful looking people in my time that are completely ugly on the inside.
We need to start loving ourselves, (not in a vain way) but in an acceptance way and hopefully the rest will come in time. You/We all deserve to be on this earth and the most important thing my mum has taught me about this, is, What someone thinks of me is none of my business!

There will always be the egotists out there, so let them be and walk on by.

Love and many hugs to all of you, no matter what size you are!!

Hugs to you all and I hope you’re all happy cherrie and well. Mwaaah

Paula xxxxx

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Family Art Show

Hello Everyone,

Hope all is well in your world!

Let me tell you a bit about my family world. Well, one of my brothers and his wife came up with an idea to hold family art shows!
They pick the theme and do all the planning and sort out who won, etc. We all (children included) get a sheet with 6 adhesive stars of different colours, to indicate your favourite art piece.  The gold obviously is for who you want to win and is valued the highest, and then the stars vary from blue, green and silver to represent your second, third, fourth, etc. selection. It’s heaps of fun but let me tell you, it’s very competitive and there’s some pretty arty/creative people in my family!

They call the show, The Shared Spoon.

The winner gets their name engraved along with the date and theme onto the bowl of the spoon. It’s a fairly big spoon so don’t worry, not a dessert spoon! Lol.  This last competition was Puppets and marionettes!

My son and his girlfriend placed first this year, but unfortunately I didn’t get a shot of it. His girlfriend hand knitted these tiny puppets of the Avengers, from Captain America, Thor, Iron Man, etc. Then they made a stop-motion movie with them placed to the original audio and just left it continuously running on his laptop during the show. The kids went crazy for it and couldn’t believe they had made this movie with these puppets. It’s easy to see why they won! :)

My brother came second with his marionette and me 3rd with my, Fortune Teller. Actually, I’m in love with it but it may scare some. Remember I’m a clown collector so to me its fun and colourful! That’s my story anyway.

My sister usually does most of the catering as she’s so good at finger foods and other easy eats. After that my brother auctions off the artwork that people don’t wish to keep; it’s all in good fun but sometimes the kids get carried away and we have to remind them to keep the bidding low! Lol

The avengers that my son’s girlfriend had made, created an enormous interest in all the kids wanting to have one, which in my very large family?!… Wasn’t possible, so the bidding went a little high on those! I think the highest one of Thor sold for $24 AUD!! :) With the others ranging from $16+ That was a little absurd if I am honest, normally they are done in good fun of $1-$10.

The shows are carried out roughly every 3 months, but this one was the first in 3 years! The reason it was so long in between this time was because after I was hospitalised from attempting suicide, all our family things just stopped; I don’t know if they did it consciously or subconsciously, but I think it was because after I had attempted suicide, I told them I picked that night because we had all been together and I got to see everyone for what I thought then would be the last time. So maybe to them they didn’t want us all to be together again in case I attempted it again, and to be fair to them in the early days it was definitely possible.  Even now I have days I still struggle but I really did choose life that day and I’m in such a better place now than I was back then! When I get overwhelmed I have to just sit back and not put undue pressure on myself.
I’m really happy that things are going back to normal.

If you have a reasonably sized family you should give this ago as it’s the best fun you will ever have.

Next time I’ll take more photos of the art work as most of it I took, was the kids!

 

 

My entry this year. (Fortune Teller)
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My Sister In-law’s marionette puppet.
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My Brother’s marionette puppet.

 

 

 

 

 

 

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An example of using the stars for voting.

 

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The puppets used in my Son and his Girlfriends stop-motion film of The Avengers (Thor)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Another Puppet for the Avengers (Iron Man).

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Another Puppet (The Incredible Hulk)

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Another puppet used in the film (Black Widow).

 

 

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My other Son’s entry to a previous year’s competition of Monsters and Aliens, a life-sized scale, paper-mache’ ET.

 

 

 

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My Brother In-law’s entry to the Monster’s and Aliens theme, a working Ipod dock made from scratch to look like a flying saucer!
(Keep in mind, he is an Engineer, quite difficult to beat…)

 

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Do you do anything like this as a family?

Hugs to you all, Paula xxxxx

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Video post!

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Health Update

Fantasy Fairy

Hey world, how are you all? I have so missed you and your blogs.

Well, I came out of hospital like I said on the last post which was my birthday. I was relieved to be back home with my Sakura and my birds, Pippa and BJ.

I was allowed home on the condition I have maintenance ECT’s once  a week. So I go into hospital every Wednesday, have the ECT on Thursday morning and come home mid-morning. At first I wanted the Doctor to stop them as I had enough, but the truth is I think I need to keep up with them. Why you say? Okay, I’ll tell you! Lol

You see when you have Bipolar, life can be darn right tricky and at times you can be fooled into thinking everything is okay… When really, it’s not. Admitting you have a problem isn’t an easy task, actually far from it. Someone like me, who likes to smile and joke around, finds it difficult to come out and say “I need help”. I tend to keep it hidden deep inside me and it takes all my strength to hold on and not let the negative thoughts take over my head.

I love everyone around me and I have a great support network of people who love me,  but when you’re sliding into the darkness you try hard to not take them with you. In saying that, those around me want me to offload the burden onto them as they feel it will make life easier for me. As mush as I would love to do that, I still haven’t found the courage or the strength to reach out for help and take them into my darkness. There are times when I am alone and cry and ask God if he is real, please save me and let me have peace in my mind just like everyone else. I’m not religious as many of you know, but I’m a good person and feel if he is real he just might answer my prayer and one day make me free from this illness.

When I go into hospital my heart goes out to so many of the people there. We all take life and our health for granted, but what happens when our mental health goes haywire and we are left with this burden of trying to work out what life is all about and where we fit in the big picture of it all! I have a great life, filled with great friends and family, yet when darkness knocks at my door? I can try to ignore it but in the end I’m forced to answer it because the bell won’t stop ringing. So I let it in and then I’m forced to work it all out. Now at first it ignores me and stays swarming all around me, engulfing me in its darkness. But I want – and need – to live, so I have to look deep inside my soul to find the courage and strength to beat the darkness.

I stay away from dark coloured clothes as my Doctor says this is a good thing to do. I love black so I force myself into brighter colours when darkness looks like it could win. Some days it’s all so hard and I just want to sit down and say, No More! If it wasn’t for all the people I love so much I really would just give in. But NO!! I won’t and can’t let those that have loved me so dearly in life feel punished by my death. When we die a part of everyone that has loved us die as well, and that’s not fair.

There are many parts to Paula, and even though she fights the darkness, from time to time another part of her pushes her to keep going because happiness is there and soon it will engulf me and not the darkness. I will be free and happy and this is what keeps me going.

I appreciate every single one of you that has sent me well wishes, and your strength gives me courage to keep going. I am more than someone with Bipolar, I’m a mother to 2 beautiful sons (22 and 30) I’m a sister to 4 brothers and 1 sister, I’m an Aunt to 15 children, Mother Cat to my gorgeous Sakura and my 2 birds :) I’m a friend to many beautiful and wonderful people. And I’m a girlfriend to an amazingly beautiful  man who has stuck by my side through all this ugliness that took over my body and tried to claim my soul. It’s all of these reasons that I’m fighting so hard to keep on track. And I will succeed for I can’t have these people’s lives ruined because I wasn’t strong enough to fight the battle with in.

I felt as if I should share this side of me. This is a blog about Depression, right? I am making myself be honest about my thoughts and feelings, baring myself to you. No one likes talking about Depression, but it’s real and it’s engulfing and terribly ugly. Breathing is like hyperventilating and you wonder how you’ll get that next breath out. It’s cruel and lonely no matter how many people are on your side you feel alone.

To anyone out there suffering in silence, I embrace you and urge you to tell someone, don’t be alone and fight the battle with no one on your side. Reach out to anyone that you trust and ask for help. You’re not crazy because your suffering with Depression – or any other mental disorder… You have just hit a bump in this things we call life. Don’t isolate yourself for you are a wonderful human being that deserves to be here as much as anyone else. Saying you need help is not a weakness, it shows great courage. Don’t give in, for you are worth the fight. I may not know you but I know your pain and feel your sadness. Tomorrow really is another day, so hold on and reach out for help. You’re beautiful and I know that there must be people around you who would support you and be at your side in a flash if they knew that they could lose you. Be strong, and hold on to whatever makes you happy.

Before I go, I just wanted to tell you all that I miss reading all of your blogs. Please forgive me if I don’t get around to answering or reading all your posts. I will do my best, but like I said it’s not a great time for me so I can only do so much right now. I really wanted to just touch base with you all and let you know where my health is at. I will give it my best shot to check out as many blogs as I can. But I’m not sure how far I’ll get. Much love to you all and I’m so grateful to all of you that have stuck by me during this dark time in my life.

Many hugs to you all, Paula xxxxxx

image source

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Feeling Better

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Hey guys, hows things?

Well I have had 7 ECT’s  (electro convulsive therapy) and am still in Perth Clinic.

I have 1 more ECT left which will be tomorrow, Wednesday the 19th March… MY BIRTHDAY!!

Not my favourite way to spend my birthday but I am becoming happy cheery me once again. I have cried so much I scared myself – I didn’t think that could be possible, but I did!  Perth Clinic really is a terrific psychiatric hospital. It’s like being in a 5 star hotel – even the food is restaurant quality. The staff are all personable and approachable. It feels as if you are being counselled by a friend, that’s how beautifully trained they are.  In fact, one of the nurses asked me if I have a blog, which of course I told her I do. She told me she reads this here blog and so to her I would like to say, HELLO!! Lol. You have given me some great training exercises. On top of all that, you have been so friendly and helpful and I thank you for the support and friendship you showed me during a really hard time of my life.

I am feeling better. One day at a time, but things are improving. There are a number of people that have provided unending support during these past few dark weeks, and I would like to take a few moments to acknowledge them…

A big thank you to my boyfriend. He could have left me during this hard time in my life, but he didn’t, he’s stayed by my side and for that I can truly say, I LOVE YOU! Before I felt alone for whatever the reason, but I no longer feel alone, I feel your presence. Thank you for loving me and staying by my side, I will never forget it. Your love will not be wasted on me as I love you more than words can say.

And my son, my beautiful handsome son, who has been by my side every single night. He’s a killer ladies, but I’m not allowed to show a photo of him. Lol His name is Kieran and I adore him and love him for the unconditional love he has shown me while I have been in hospital. He has been my pillar of strength and I will never forget the support he has provided. I really don’t think I would have made it if it wasn’t for him. And my sister, my gorgeous sister, I love you and thank you for your love and support in this last few weeks. This is not easy for my family to have gone through and for all their love and support I thank them immensely. They have been by my side all the way and I am so very grateful.

I am able to publish this post tonight but am unlikely to be able to respond to comments until after I am released tomorrow. On my birthday!

I have spend time at home over the last weekend. You are allowed home on weekends but this was the first time I had done so – I was too sick over the weekends before. You’re allowed home till 9pm each day on the weekend, and Kieran was lovely in assisting me in getting there and back. It felt good to be back in my home, and it was especially wonderful to spend time with my beloved Sakura.

So life will soon be back to normal for Paula. So to all of you and all of your well wishes??? I love you and embrace you for the love and support that you showed me during a very difficult time in my life.  To anyone else that is still suffering? I hug you and say be kind to yourself, one day at a time. Be kind to yourself and know we are all here for you.

Much love to you all,

hugs and much much love, Paula xxxxxx

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