Depression exists, but why?
I ask myself this question over and over again, everytime I fall into darkness.
Today I fell apart after talking to my stepfather.
One thing lead to another and before I could even catch myself, I had started to fall. It’s kind of like seeing yourself in slow motion but not being able to do anything about it.
Just when I think I’m happy and strong, something always blind-sights me and knocks me down.
Not only is my stepfather in a bad way, but someone I love more than life itself is also deeply hurt and suffering right now.
I can’t say who out of respect for this person, but I have to be strong as he needs me more than ever right now. Holding your own pain inside whilst helping someone else with theirs can be so hard, but this isn’t about me. This is about being strong for someone who loves me deeply and needs me to stay the course, so I have to hide how I’m feeling and sometimes it’s so hard to do. When you love someone the way I love this person, it cuts to the very core of your being when they are drowning in their own sorrow and there’s not a lot you can do. So, what will I do?
I will listen and listen intently and be there night and day for them. If I could cut myself and bleed away their pain? I would, but life isn’t like that. We all have our own paths and journey to take and mine is to love that person and show them that I care and will always be there, no matter what!
I have to take a deep breath and hide my own pain in this situation, but it’s really hard this time!
Because smiling doesn’t help when your crying on the inside AND outside there’s nothing left to give, you feel broken. Life IS beautiful and I know better than to let my past control me, but sometimes I just can’t control my thoughts; especially when certain situations arise and take me back to them.
Darkness and negativity are strong and at the time the light just isn’t in your reach. You reach for it only to be pulled back down drowning in your own thoughts.
Depression is real but I know that happiness is too, but sometimes it eludes me and I feel alone. I know I’m not but at the time its very cold and lonely, especially when you can’t talk about it. I wear my heart on my sleeve but the deep dark thoughts are just that…Deep!
Loneliness isn’t always about having no one in your life, because I have many that love me and I’m grateful for all their love. Since I was little girl, abused and then raped at 20 I’ve struggled with an internal loneliness. I can be in a group of people smiling and joking but inside I’m distant and wanting to hide from everyone.
It is like wanting to be in a bubble that no one can penetrate or hurt you.
Sakura (my cat) as many of you will already know has stayed close by me and hugged into me. Even now she’s on my lap as I’m typing.
She gives me unconditional love and I would be lost without her, having an animal around you when you get depressed is very soothing and comforting.
Depression isn’t a sign of weakness, I think you’ve just fallen off lifes tracks and need to get back on. Kind of like falling off a horse and having to get back up and ride again, so fear doesn’t take over.
Fear: False Evidence Appearing Real
This is what we have to tell ourselves when our world feels like it’s caving in on us. Look at what is real now and leave your past behind, that’s why it’s the past…it’s gone and that’s where it needs to be in order for us to move forward.
Giving in is easy, fighting’s the hard part! But we are all worth fighting for, right? And I want this person to fight for me and all the people that love and need them as I do! The thought of losing them kills me and whilst I still breathe …I won’t ever allow this to happen. It just can’t happen.
When you’re Depressed ….Don’t isolate yourself when the depression is strong, you need to keep connected with those that love you. If your down remember they are too. When you can’t eat? They can’t eat. When you don’t sleep? They don’t sleep. When you cry? They cry too!
Be brave and hang in there!
Tomorrow is another day, so close your eyes and let all the pain and sadness that you may be feeling drift away; even if it’s just for a night so you can start again tomorrow. One day at a time, I strongly believe this and live by this principle. You can do it, believe in yourself, stay strong and hang onto that one thing that keeps you connected. You are worth more than you realise to so many people. May the universe, your inner self or your god give you the strength you need to get through this hard time.
Just a side note: Many people come to my blog but don’t comment. Depression isn’t something people like to talk about, but I know you’re there and I hug you and understand your struggles. Stay strong and feel loved and worthy, because you are! Whatever has hurt you and for whatever reason your depressed right now, you will get through it. It wont be easy but remember: ALWAYS find something that makes you smile, anything!! the sun, moon, hell even chocolate, I’m serious it’s a great pick me up! your pet, your partner, anything, anything at all!! When your down I know it’s easier said than done, but if you can? Wow it changes everything. Stay strong and believe in your own self worth. You are beautiful and worth fighting for always remember that!
I’ve been away in Tasmania for the past week and was going to post about it, but this has kind of taken a back seat from what’s just happened. I needed to write this to get it out of my head and to stay strong. I love this person more than life and without them in my life I wouldn’t survive. So I’m venting my hurt to the world.
I’ll post photos soon of Tasmania as I need to stay hopeful and happy.
Hugs to you all, Paula xxxxx
Today is Monday, the start of a new week. A week that can be a change. A week that can make a huge difference to your life. A week where you get up and say "I can" and "I will". A week where you can look at your dreams and turn them into a reality. A week that can make you strong.
This is kind of a strange rambling0-type of post. Lol.
You know the days when you wake and just wish you hadn’t. You just want to start the day again. Well this happens to nearly everyone, right?
But when you have Bipolar this can be hourly, daily, weekly, yearly, etc. etc. You get the message.
So when you hear someone with Bipolar talk about Hypomania, it can sound quite strange and stressful for those around us; and hard to understand what it actually means.
So let me explain what it’s like for me:
…Now I’m not generalising everyone with Bipolar, it’s what I experience!
I personally find it uplifting, very energising, draining and especially TIRING, all in one!
During this time I’m way more productive and positive, what’s difficult for those around us is that they find us hard to keep up with and can barely shut us up.
Loads of thoughts, plans, ideas, etc. If you’re the arty type, it can be a very creative time as well. The problem is, you don’t get why those around you can’t keep up… and they seem less than enthusiastic. Lol!
When this happens, a person experiencing this can find sleeping very, very difficult; in fact you get very little sleep. Your mind is racing at million miles an hour and sleep just isn’t on the agenda.
You could almost liken it to someone taking speed, yet its free and you have no real control over it. I could laugh and joke all day and night long and still be smiling the next morning. Someone could easily excite me at this point almost like hyping up a child and then trying to put them to bed. Well guess what, It doesn’t work no matter how much you will it.
You just can’t shut down and go to sleep.
And If you have any yeah-bute plans in life? I will be your biggest fan pushing you and motivating you.
At first you will love it and love that someone will listen so enthusiastically and have so many ideas. But where is the off switch you say? Hmmm even I don’t know this one! Lol.
It may not sound bad and probably could be a good thing, right? But, Nooooo!!!! I won’t let you sleep either!! I’ll still be thinking of ideas that you should use or do to get to where you want to be.
It’s like there’s no off button and you will have to keep changing channels to find where I’m at.
But, like all things in life… What goes up – Must come down!
This is the horrible part: You’ve been flying high and living on little sleep and going and going till… Bang! Down you come falling into the darkness.
Depression is easy to fall into at this point of time. You’re exhausted mentally and physically.
Now I’m only talking about myself, yet I know many with Bipolar will understand this and have had similar experiences.
What I’ve learnt from this is to kind of monitor myself beforehand. Meaning, there is usually little tale tale things that after spending time with me you can see I’m becoming excitable and not sleeping very well before the Hypomania starts to take over.
The fall from grace comes quite quickly and you can land with a thud! During this time I tend to withdraw from those around me, usually the closest people that love me and vice versa. Maybe I do it because I don’t want them to see how smiling is nearly impossible. You see if they see this…they worry, but to me it’s my way of coping and trying to balance life back out. Suicidal thoughts can play with my mind and I start to think life is just too hard and I’m too tired to keep fighting for it.
I start doubting myself and those around me and wonder who really loves me for me…all of me, the good and the bad. The only way I can explain it is it’s like self sabotage; you hear everyone around you but you start to look for hidden messages in what they are saying to you… Truth be told they aren’t saying anything, it’s just you that’s driving you down a very negative path. I think I become very insecure and it’s easier to withdrawal and say nothing than to say what am truly thinking. My thoughts are deep and dark and I very really let anyone into them. I smile and wonder who can really sees the real me? The me that’s falling apart and crying on the inside. But,I don’t think anyone can.
It’s a strange thing to explain and really only those that experience it can really understand where your coming from.
I could never hurt anyone in life, but I’m the one I hurt the most. Childhood memories and bad experiences plague my mind during this time.
So this is Hypomania to me and if you are like me? I hug you and encourage you to keep fighting the darkness.
Take a deep look at nature and remember the beauty the world has given us and the life we have been given. It wasn’t given to us for us to take it away.
One day at a time.
Embrace the good days and breathe through the bad.
Keep smiling and stay strong.
Love and many hugs to our blogging family/community.
Hello family of bloggers,
Well, I said I would be back blogging – but unfortunately life hasn’t allowed it just yet.
My stepfather has been ill and it’s taken 7 weeks to finally be diagnosed with cancer. I have spent quite a bit of time going backwards and forwards to the hospital with my mother.
He finally starts radiation treatment in a couple of weeks. We never know what’s around the corner waiting for us, do we? I suppose we just have to be thankful for every day we have, and show those around us how much we love them. Don’t sweat the small things, and be grateful for all we have. If we have our health?? We have all we truly need.
My stepfather has fought cancer of the prostate before, and now he has it in his leg muscle. He can and will fight it – he’s a fighter. I lost my previous stepfather, the man who brought me up, a few months ago and I’m not about to lose another. To anyone out there that’s dealing with cancer (or any other serious illness) I hug you and wish well in your fight.
This man has been my light in many dark days and I love him dearly. He’s cried and I’ve cried but now he knows what he’s dealing with? He won’t let it get the better of him. He said that no matter what he’s going to be fine. He told me I need him and he needs me… Yep, I cried! But again, he’s determined to not let it beat him.
So, life will soon get back to some sort of normality as life has to go on. He went home yesterday and being in his own environment will be way better than sitting in a hospital bed. He can look outside at his little garden and the pretty flowers. I know he’s going to be fine as he has a great positive attitude.
Just letting you know what’s happening in my world and why blogging has taken a back seat yet again.
Miss all your blogs and will soon be back commenting.
Love and many hugs to you all, Paula xxxx
If you want the rainbow, you must first go through the storm. If you want to see the dawn, first you have to go through the darkness. Remember what Winston Churchill said ... "When you are going through hell .. keep going" and never forget there will always be someone beside you. You may not see them, but they are there.