Health Update

Fantasy Fairy

Hey world, how are you all? I have so missed you and your blogs.

Well, I came out of hospital like I said on the last post which was my birthday. I was relieved to be back home with my Sakura and my birds, Pippa and BJ.

I was allowed home on the condition I have maintenance ECT’s once  a week. So I go into hospital every Wednesday, have the ECT on Thursday morning and come home mid-morning. At first I wanted the Doctor to stop them as I had enough, but the truth is I think I need to keep up with them. Why you say? Okay, I’ll tell you! Lol

You see when you have Bipolar, life can be darn right tricky and at times you can be fooled into thinking everything is okay… When really, it’s not. Admitting you have a problem isn’t an easy task, actually far from it. Someone like me, who likes to smile and joke around, finds it difficult to come out and say “I need help”. I tend to keep it hidden deep inside me and it takes all my strength to hold on and not let the negative thoughts take over my head.

I love everyone around me and I have a great support network of people who love me,  but when you’re sliding into the darkness you try hard to not take them with you. In saying that, those around me want me to offload the burden onto them as they feel it will make life easier for me. As mush as I would love to do that, I still haven’t found the courage or the strength to reach out for help and take them into my darkness. There are times when I am alone and cry and ask God if he is real, please save me and let me have peace in my mind just like everyone else. I’m not religious as many of you know, but I’m a good person and feel if he is real he just might answer my prayer and one day make me free from this illness.

When I go into hospital my heart goes out to so many of the people there. We all take life and our health for granted, but what happens when our mental health goes haywire and we are left with this burden of trying to work out what life is all about and where we fit in the big picture of it all! I have a great life, filled with great friends and family, yet when darkness knocks at my door? I can try to ignore it but in the end I’m forced to answer it because the bell won’t stop ringing. So I let it in and then I’m forced to work it all out. Now at first it ignores me and stays swarming all around me, engulfing me in its darkness. But I want – and need – to live, so I have to look deep inside my soul to find the courage and strength to beat the darkness.

I stay away from dark coloured clothes as my Doctor says this is a good thing to do. I love black so I force myself into brighter colours when darkness looks like it could win. Some days it’s all so hard and I just want to sit down and say, No More! If it wasn’t for all the people I love so much I really would just give in. But NO!! I won’t and can’t let those that have loved me so dearly in life feel punished by my death. When we die a part of everyone that has loved us die as well, and that’s not fair.

There are many parts to Paula, and even though she fights the darkness, from time to time another part of her pushes her to keep going because happiness is there and soon it will engulf me and not the darkness. I will be free and happy and this is what keeps me going.

I appreciate every single one of you that has sent me well wishes, and your strength gives me courage to keep going. I am more than someone with Bipolar, I’m a mother to 2 beautiful sons (22 and 30) I’m a sister to 4 brothers and 1 sister, I’m an Aunt to 15 children, Mother Cat to my gorgeous Sakura and my 2 birds :) I’m a friend to many beautiful and wonderful people. And I’m a girlfriend to an amazingly beautiful  man who has stuck by my side through all this ugliness that took over my body and tried to claim my soul. It’s all of these reasons that I’m fighting so hard to keep on track. And I will succeed for I can’t have these people’s lives ruined because I wasn’t strong enough to fight the battle with in.

I felt as if I should share this side of me. This is a blog about Depression, right? I am making myself be honest about my thoughts and feelings, baring myself to you. No one likes talking about Depression, but it’s real and it’s engulfing and terribly ugly. Breathing is like hyperventilating and you wonder how you’ll get that next breath out. It’s cruel and lonely no matter how many people are on your side you feel alone.

To anyone out there suffering in silence, I embrace you and urge you to tell someone, don’t be alone and fight the battle with no one on your side. Reach out to anyone that you trust and ask for help. You’re not crazy because your suffering with Depression – or any other mental disorder… You have just hit a bump in this things we call life. Don’t isolate yourself for you are a wonderful human being that deserves to be here as much as anyone else. Saying you need help is not a weakness, it shows great courage. Don’t give in, for you are worth the fight. I may not know you but I know your pain and feel your sadness. Tomorrow really is another day, so hold on and reach out for help. You’re beautiful and I know that there must be people around you who would support you and be at your side in a flash if they knew that they could lose you. Be strong, and hold on to whatever makes you happy.

Before I go, I just wanted to tell you all that I miss reading all of your blogs. Please forgive me if I don’t get around to answering or reading all your posts. I will do my best, but like I said it’s not a great time for me so I can only do so much right now. I really wanted to just touch base with you all and let you know where my health is at. I will give it my best shot to check out as many blogs as I can. But I’m not sure how far I’ll get. Much love to you all and I’m so grateful to all of you that have stuck by me during this dark time in my life.

Many hugs to you all, Paula xxxxxx

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Feeling Better

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Hey guys, hows things?

Well I have had 7 ECT’s  (electro convulsive therapy) and am still in Perth Clinic.

I have 1 more ECT left which will be tomorrow, Wednesday the 19th March… MY BIRTHDAY!!

Not my favourite way to spend my birthday but I am becoming happy cheery me once again. I have cried so much I scared myself – I didn’t think that could be possible, but I did!  Perth Clinic really is a terrific psychiatric hospital. It’s like being in a 5 star hotel – even the food is restaurant quality. The staff are all personable and approachable. It feels as if you are being counselled by a friend, that’s how beautifully trained they are.  In fact, one of the nurses asked me if I have a blog, which of course I told her I do. She told me she reads this here blog and so to her I would like to say, HELLO!! Lol. You have given me some great training exercises. On top of all that, you have been so friendly and helpful and I thank you for the support and friendship you showed me during a really hard time of my life.

I am feeling better. One day at a time, but things are improving. There are a number of people that have provided unending support during these past few dark weeks, and I would like to take a few moments to acknowledge them…

A big thank you to my boyfriend. He could have left me during this hard time in my life, but he didn’t, he’s stayed by my side and for that I can truly say, I LOVE YOU! Before I felt alone for whatever the reason, but I no longer feel alone, I feel your presence. Thank you for loving me and staying by my side, I will never forget it. Your love will not be wasted on me as I love you more than words can say.

And my son, my beautiful handsome son, who has been by my side every single night. He’s a killer ladies, but I’m not allowed to show a photo of him. Lol His name is Kieran and I adore him and love him for the unconditional love he has shown me while I have been in hospital. He has been my pillar of strength and I will never forget the support he has provided. I really don’t think I would have made it if it wasn’t for him. And my sister, my gorgeous sister, I love you and thank you for your love and support in this last few weeks. This is not easy for my family to have gone through and for all their love and support I thank them immensely. They have been by my side all the way and I am so very grateful.

I am able to publish this post tonight but am unlikely to be able to respond to comments until after I am released tomorrow. On my birthday!

I have spend time at home over the last weekend. You are allowed home on weekends but this was the first time I had done so – I was too sick over the weekends before. You’re allowed home till 9pm each day on the weekend, and Kieran was lovely in assisting me in getting there and back. It felt good to be back in my home, and it was especially wonderful to spend time with my beloved Sakura.

So life will soon be back to normal for Paula. So to all of you and all of your well wishes??? I love you and embrace you for the love and support that you showed me during a very difficult time in my life.  To anyone else that is still suffering? I hug you and say be kind to yourself, one day at a time. Be kind to yourself and know we are all here for you.

Much love to you all,

hugs and much much love, Paula xxxxxx

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Getting Help

depression

Hello my lovely bloggers,

Yep, I’ve been away from my blog way too much lately and was hoping to be back blogging this week.

Well, I am back – but not in a way I thought I would be. I went to see my psychiatrist today and we made the decision to admit me into hospital tomorrow morning (being yesterday, now). It’s not where I want to be but I have to be honest to my readers and to myself. And the truth is I just can’t make it alone right now. I kind of need a breather from life and need to get my head back down to earth and out of the hell it’s taking me into. I adore my sons, family, friends and the blogging community and this is the right course of action for me to be healthy. I’ve said it many times before that Bipolar is a tricky thing to live with, and sometimes there are things inside me that even I don’t understand why I’m feeling a certain way… I just am! There is a lot happening in my personal life and I suppose this doesn’t help the situation. I know life isn’t easy and there will always be good and bad days but this is different, this is the the time when you go “barleese! I can’t do this alone anymore I need help!”.  My doctor will play around with my medications to try and balance life out for me and I’m hopeful this will be just a few days.

Suicide is not the answer or an option so therefore I’m being responsible and getting the help I need. Perth Clinic is a lovely private psychiatric hospital and I’m fortunate that my ex-husband is still covering my health care otherwise the alternative would have been horrific for me. Our public psych hospital is definately not for the faint hearted.

Anyway, I shall be back as soon as life and Paula become one again. I urge anyone suffering in silence to seek professional help. It’s not a sign of weakness it’s a sign of courage to keep fighting the battle of the darkness to once again see and love the light.

To anyone suffering with deep Depression? Know that it is real and it DOES EXIST no matter what anyone tells you!! Seek help, reach out, shout, hell scream if you have to until someone listens to how your feeling. It’s real, it’s painful, it’s crushing, it’s lonely and believe me it’s like living in a hell. But don’t ever let it beat you!! Don’t say you don’t want to wake up tomorrow. Say you need to wake up tomorrow but need someone to stay close by you till tomorrow comes…  you can make it but not alone and not in silence! I urge you to just reach out.

Don’t isolate yourself it’s the worst thing to do. Just hang on until tomorrow and then try again. Trust me the people that truly love you will never give up on you or leave you alone if they know what’s really going on in that mind of yours. DON’T SUFFER IN SILENCE.

And most of all?  know that you are loved by more people than you would ever know or realise. Get through today and see what tomorrow brings, it’s not easy but you can do it. Take care of you and know that there are people out here that care for you and haven’t even met you, but they know and understand your pain!

Many hugs to you all, Paula xxxx

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Can’t you see me (Prose)

sakuraandme:

Hello lovely bloggers, :)

Those that follow me regularly would have picked up how much I love the lovely, Mumsy. (Jen)

As you would have seen from my last post I have been struggling quite a bit internally. I had to reblog this as Mumsy has written about Depression with great understanding. She’s a wonderful writer and if you don’t already follow her, you should! Back writing soon. Hope you’re all well. Love to you all and many hugs, Paula xxxxx

Originally posted on Ramblings From A Mum:

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what was your journey
did you pirouette ‘cross mirrors
glass unyielding
drift on gondolas
floating rivers of satin

~~~

or was your world defined
by fear
each breath inhaled
hope disintegrated
the days you woke
a burden upon
normality

~~~

you reached
but no one grabbed
you cried
but tears weren’t heard
a journey leading no where
in silence
held yourself in you
as no one understood

~~~

your fragility hidden
you held no signs
lost my way, I am weak
can’t you help
can’t you tell
the battle fought

~~~

did your self esteem
waft in vapours
from the coffee cup you held
early morning air suffocating
the days that you felt strong
trying to fit, the jigsaw puzzle in
your mind

~~~

let me help you pirouette
once more in life
dance across this stage of so called
imperfection
for it is all around us
it is not you

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Depression Exists

sad-angelDepression Exists:

Well I suppose a post about Depression has been looming, right? The joys of being Bipolar.

To say that I’m hating the world and life would be a lie. I love the world but at times life overwhelms me and I’m left dazed and confused. Remember I said I had everything when I was married but I felt I had nothing? Well, I suppose this is how I’m feeling…  Yet the truth is I don’t have everything anymore but I have more than most people do so I shouldn’t complain. But what I have learnt since leaving my husband is that although I was unhappy in my marriage, there’s something so deep inside me that I’m not sure I will ever be happy. It’s like if you had a can opener and opened me up you would find one big whirly mess! Hahaha actually I think opening any of us up would be a disaster. LMAO bad example, right? Haha

That’s the one saving grace that I always seem to keep and that’s my sense of humour. I laugh at life and at myself and try not to take too many things seriously.  If I did I would fall apart too often and I need to live in this world like everyone else and not have Bipolar define me as a person. We are more than our illness.

Depression is odd and the reason it’s such a lonely place is because we don’t like to let others in, because lets face it – we don’t want to be in there ourselves, so why drag you into oblivion with us? We need you to stay happy and give us hope that tomorrow really is another day… A better one! Get through today and deal with tomorrow as it comes. Baby steps is what I always say; get up, get dressed and you’re halfway there!

Some people who meet me can’t understand why I suffer with Depression when I look so happy. Easy my fellow bloggers? I lie to me and to you that all is well and that gives me strength to get through. Might sound a little odd to you but it really works for me. A person with Bipolar may not even know why today they are sad and feeling low, they just are! I suppose that’s when I have to admit defeat and accept I have a mental illness. You have no idea how much It pains me to write those words! Ask anyone with Bipolar and they will say the same, we just don’t know why? I suppose it is just in the genetic makeup of many of us. I think I prefer the days when I know what’s pulling me down because at least I can try to rationalise with whatever’s going on in Paula’s mind and hopefully/usually work through them, and then life becomes all sunshine and roses again…. Pink ones! Haha

The problem this time is that I’m struggling internally. I know that’s a bad thing because right now there’s a lot more than I can cope with, so with a little help/shove from a close friend :)  I have given in and made an appointment with my psychiatrist. I used to feel asking for help was a weakness and I hated that more than anything. But over time I’ve come to realise it’s not, it’s actually a good thing because we can let it all out in an environment where there will be no judgement… Just help, and the right kind of help at that!

Suicidal thoughts can plague the mind of someone with Bipolar when they think their world is falling apart. To an onlooker their world may be completely fine, but to us deep in our souls the devil is lurking and playing with our minds. So we have to fight back with all our strength and remember what beauty our world holds and how many people love us.

To all that may be suffering in silence right now? I urge you to seek help in any way that you can, for tomorrow really is another day. It will get better – it usually always does – but in the interim we have to deal with a little pain and suffering. Some things in life are just out of our control and it’s up to us how we pass the test the universe has given us. What we must never forget is that we deserve to be here and to be happy just like everyone else. Depression wins only if we let it, but it’s not cured overnight. It takes a great deal of strength and courage to fight it.  Be kind to yourself and don’t let today ruin your tomorrow for you will never know what could have been.  Stay strong, reach out, and trust those who love you to get you through the hard times, for they need you as much as you need them. Fight for the person you once were before the Depression took hold of you. And remember when you’re down they are down too and all they want is you back by their side.

I hug you all and thank you for being there through the good and the bad times I’ve had. Please don’t worry for me as this won’t pull me down, I refuse to let it. I find a reason to smile every day because this is what pulls me through. I’m just letting you into my Bipolar mind and how at times we must ask for help.

Hugs to you all, Paula xxxxx

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My New Handbags!

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You know what I love better than Sex?

SHOPPING!! Hahaha.

That’s right people, shopping gives this Bipolar girl a high and buying handbags and shoes?? Even higher! Lol.

Anyone have any shoes to match my bags?? Lol.

What’s the best thing about shopping? Bargains and half price one’s at that!

I got these 2 bags half price, so technically one bag was free! Now come on guys don’t burst my bubble as that’s the way I see it, right girls? Hahaha. :)

Anyway I bet you guys love a bargain too; it might be on cars, computers and all that tech stuff, right? Come on admit it, you love a bargain to!  Haha.

Melbourne has these great outlets and shopping there is heaven. :)  In Perth we pay too much for everything, that it’s cheaper to get on a plane and head to the Eastern States (Melbourne, Sydney)

Although, a flight to Melbourne from Perth can cost anywhere from $400 to $750 return (Depending on when you fly and by which airline). Sometimes you can get even cheaper fares depending on the time of year and how far in advance you book.

Now Sydney can be like going to Bali for us here in Perth.

Some people, (actually heaps of West Australians) go to Bali as if it’s their second home! Flights to Bali with accommodation can be cheaper than the flight alone to Sydney! Still, once you are there the shopping is great; but to me, Melbourne would be the fashion capital of Oz for sure.  Don’t be offended Sydney, you’re incredible for so many other reasons!

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Well, happy shopping everyone!

Hugs to you all, Paula xxxxx

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WARNING!!!! VERY GRAPHIC ….. DO NOT LOOK IF YOU ARE TOO SENSITIVE!!!

sakuraandme:

Evening Everyone,

I came across this post through Arlen’s blog and it nearly made me cry.
I thought about whether to reblog or not, but it’s so important to be aware of what really goes on in our world. It pains my heart to see such cruelty. Hugs Paula xxxx

Originally posted on It Is What It Is:

~~January 24, 2014~~

Denmark’s Faroe Islands Continue Dolphin Slaughter

Every year around 2,000 dolphins & whales are driven ashore and cruelly slaughtered in the Faroe Islands, mid-way between the Shetland Islands and Iceland. For centuries the Faroe Islanders have hunted pilot whales, driving entire schools into killing bays, where they are speared or gaffed from boats, dragged ashore and butchered with knives. Although the Islands are a protectorate of Denmark, they have their own Government and regulations governing the pilot whale hunt or “grind” as it is known.”

I woke up this morning to this message once again. I have seen this before. I feel I need to bring this matter to the attention of any reader/visitor.

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The Cove” won a well-deserved Oscar (and several other awards) for uncovering the slaughter of dolphins in Japan.  While it was being made, another discovery put…

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